Spinning

There I am, spinning in circles, my hair fanned out like a circus tent in the middle of an open sun filled field. The air is warm yet mild and the sun blazes in all of its glory. There I am spinning and laughing like a child.  Tears fill my eyes and stream down my face. I am overwhelmed by His goodness. I'm amazed by His love. There I am in a white dress that hangs long, brushing the tops of my toes, dancing and giggling like a careless infant. Free. I am so free. I feel I can soar. Nothing can touch me. Only love and joy fill my heart, which has swollen five times its normal size. Doubt no longer fills my mind. Only certainty of things promised to me. I know that all my love, all of my trust, all my desire for wholeness is returned to me and at that same time it is poured over her like waves. Spinning, I am carelessly and joyously spinning. Like a child, I am free and self assured that my Papa will take care of me...that He will take care of everything. I am so incredibly loved. Like a child, I trust that I am my Father's favorite little girl.

I Will Heal But I Will Never Forget

I will heal but I will never forget. How could I? As chaotic and explosive as our lives were, it was a wonderful life. A life I still enjoy reflecting on. It was a wonderful life of adventure and yet, complacency. You were my dearest companion. Forever a place in my heart that I will treasure. You have been my support and cheerleader. You were my friend and the one my heart beat wildly for. You are my favorite person to laugh with and make amazing memories. You are my best friend, forever and always. Te amo, para siempre. Forever and always, my love.

Never Stop Romancing Me

"Papa, I want to. I want imbed these garments of torment deep into the splintering stretches of your cross. I want so badly to nail them there and leave them forever in your hands to be saturated in your blood. Papa, my heart's still bound. I can feel the bindings that lie across my wrists and around my chest tighten every time I seek to execute my plan of escape.
Papa, be honest. What do you really think of me...?" Until not I couldn't bare to look at Him. I didn't want to know what expression laid strewn across his face. But in His silence, I search His face for the answer to my question. ......(smiling, as he looks at me) Hannah, you have no idea. I love you so much. You make me so happy. When you look at me, when you just try to picture my face, I melt. My heart melts for you. I don't just love you. I am so IN love with you. You captured my heart. It's bound for you. It's completely set on you & nothing, no one, no circumstances could ever make it take its eyes off you because I'm completely in rapture by you. You all set about sometimes trying to dream up a perfect woman or perfect man but I am I AM. I don't have to dream because I have already created it. I have already created you. Sure, you may not be spotless by the world's standard but covered in my grace, you're perfect. You're everything I've wanted. You are my baby girl, who I love so much. With me, you are safe. Do you remember when I proposed to you last year? "Yeah..." I want to give you everything. Read to me of my love for you...
And so I do. I read Song of Solomon from beginning to end... "I mean so much to you, so incredibly much. I can't really wrap my mind around it. Lover, romance me. I want to walk with your hand in mine where ever I go. Where ever I set my foot, I want the atmosphere to know that you are there with me. ....I need you to romance me. I'm still struggling, Papa. But I'm trying. I'm trying to let go. Remind me who I am and who you are. At night and every minute of every day. Whisper it loudly in my ear and sing it over me as I sleep. I need to hear your voice and feel your embrace. It's my only comfort."

No Answers

Slowly, I walk closer, approaching the pond where we usually sit...our pond.  Our special, secret place.  Side by side, I take a seat next to him with my arms wrapped around my knees, "Papa, I don't like this place I'm in.  I'm so sad. All the time, I'm just so sad..." tears burst from my eyes as I hands rush to contain them.  Tenderly, he slips one arm beneath my knees, wrapping the other around my back.  Lifting me into his lap, he tightens his embrace about me and rocking forward and backward, he begins to cry.  Even in our sorrow, we are not alone.  "Papa, I don't know what to do.  Sometimes, it hurts so bad I feel that I could cry for days without notice of the time.  I just...I just...I just don't know.  I'm just hurting.  Papa, oh Papa...Papa.......Papa..."  I love you. ...I always love you.  Baby, you are so special to me.  I could never let you go.  Can I hold you in my arms forever?  I want you here, like this, is my embrace.  I want to see you smile and laugh.  I want you to share your heart with me, raw & vulnerable.  Will you let me love you?  Because...I love you so much.

There Are Days...[Can I Sit Here With You Forever]

There are days, Papa, when I feel my heart will become so heavy that it will simply fall back within my chest, as so many things fall into the mysterious expanse of black holes. Sometimes my eyes feel so heavy that I feel they will no longer be able to bear up against the waves crashing against their inner barriers. And I fear their escape, for once a single tear slips from the brim of my eye lid, a flood of rushing sobs seem to inevitably follow with faint hope of their recapture. Papa, will you come and sit here with me? I could use some company.... Papa, how did I forget about others? How did I become so consumed with only myself and with only my problems, my hurt, and my pain? ....Papa, can I sit in your lap? It's so safe here [sitting in your lap with my arms wrapped around you and yours around me]. I love how you hold me like you mean it. Thank you for holding me like you mean it. Can I sit here forever? I never wanna leave. Yes, baby. Oh Papa...[the sobs are beginning to well up in me again. I can't hold them anymore and so I begin to cry.]. Papa, I missed you. You're such a safe place for me. Papa, I love you. You're so close. Papa, can we sit here, in front of this autumn decorated pond for eternity? Yes, my dear. Papa, I can't seem to stop saying your name...Papa...Papa... Papa, I wish I was more resolute. I wish I wasn't so wish-washy. You heard me calling your name. I hurt her so bad. I broke her. How could I break her? She's means so much to me. I never wanted to break her. [He smiles] She will be ok. Papa, I swear I want the best for her. I promise you I want her to be free and happy. Oh Papa, I still want her so badly. I'm so sorry. That's such a terrible thing to tell you. No, baby. I know and I'm ok. I know how much you hurt and you are so precious to me. I am more concerned with you than who you ache for. I know where your heart really lies and it's right here, in these arms. Tell me your heart, baby. Tell me everything. Every ache, every doubt, every fear that you have. I want to know everything. How are you feeling today? Sometimes, I'm ok but sometimes, I think that I've literally gone mad. Last night, I could hear the enemy so loudly in my ear telling me what a relief it would be to end my life but, Papa, I don't really want to die. I want to sit here with you. I...sometimes, I feel like I can't go on. There are days when I feel like I can't even get out of bed. Why do I ache for her so badly. I didn't ache for her like this before. Because you love her, now. You have learned to appreciate all the beauty I have given her. Because you have begun to taste the love I have for her and separation from the ones you love feels nearly like death. Love her as I do and you would prefer death just so that she could have a way to you, that she might love you in return. Oh sweetheart, your love is reckless but you have no idea how abandoned my love is for you and for her. You have no idea how I love to have you here, sitting on my lap, lying against my chest with my arms wrapped around you. I sob too, because my baby is home again in my arms. You have never seen a more beautiful, marvelous homecoming. I'm calling to her, baby. She wants me desperately. She has not told you and she wouldn't but she still cries out for me. She wants me so badly but fear keeps her from running to me. Pray, baby. Fight for the one that you love so deeply. War for her, harder now, and more deeply...it's coming soon. ....Baby. Yes, Papa? ...I love you. I have always loved you. I am always here. Sometimes, I'm scared that you will leave me too. Sometimes, I hurt so bad that I don't feel that I can love you. Papa, I scared to lose you. Papa, I love you too! I love you too. Don't leave me. Please, don't ever leave me. [My sobs begin again, uncontrollably. He wraps me in his arms with one around my waist and the other cups my head...and he rocks me as I sit there in his lap, lying against his chest] I will never leave you, baby. I will never leave. Cry until your heart's content. ...I love you like no father has never loved a child, like you have never loved another. You are home. This will always be your home. And if you ever decide to leave, I will never cease to pursue you. You are the love of my life, my favorite one.