Spinning

There I am, spinning in circles, my hair fanned out like a circus tent in the middle of an open sun filled field. The air is warm yet mild and the sun blazes in all of its glory. There I am spinning and laughing like a child.  Tears fill my eyes and stream down my face. I am overwhelmed by His goodness. I'm amazed by His love. There I am in a white dress that hangs long, brushing the tops of my toes, dancing and giggling like a careless infant. Free. I am so free. I feel I can soar. Nothing can touch me. Only love and joy fill my heart, which has swollen five times its normal size. Doubt no longer fills my mind. Only certainty of things promised to me. I know that all my love, all of my trust, all my desire for wholeness is returned to me and at that same time it is poured over her like waves. Spinning, I am carelessly and joyously spinning. Like a child, I am free and self assured that my Papa will take care of me...that He will take care of everything. I am so incredibly loved. Like a child, I trust that I am my Father's favorite little girl.

I Will Heal But I Will Never Forget

I will heal but I will never forget. How could I? As chaotic and explosive as our lives were, it was a wonderful life. A life I still enjoy reflecting on. It was a wonderful life of adventure and yet, complacency. You were my dearest companion. Forever a place in my heart that I will treasure. You have been my support and cheerleader. You were my friend and the one my heart beat wildly for. You are my favorite person to laugh with and make amazing memories. You are my best friend, forever and always. Te amo, para siempre. Forever and always, my love.

Never Stop Romancing Me

"Papa, I want to. I want imbed these garments of torment deep into the splintering stretches of your cross. I want so badly to nail them there and leave them forever in your hands to be saturated in your blood. Papa, my heart's still bound. I can feel the bindings that lie across my wrists and around my chest tighten every time I seek to execute my plan of escape.
Papa, be honest. What do you really think of me...?" Until not I couldn't bare to look at Him. I didn't want to know what expression laid strewn across his face. But in His silence, I search His face for the answer to my question. ......(smiling, as he looks at me) Hannah, you have no idea. I love you so much. You make me so happy. When you look at me, when you just try to picture my face, I melt. My heart melts for you. I don't just love you. I am so IN love with you. You captured my heart. It's bound for you. It's completely set on you & nothing, no one, no circumstances could ever make it take its eyes off you because I'm completely in rapture by you. You all set about sometimes trying to dream up a perfect woman or perfect man but I am I AM. I don't have to dream because I have already created it. I have already created you. Sure, you may not be spotless by the world's standard but covered in my grace, you're perfect. You're everything I've wanted. You are my baby girl, who I love so much. With me, you are safe. Do you remember when I proposed to you last year? "Yeah..." I want to give you everything. Read to me of my love for you...
And so I do. I read Song of Solomon from beginning to end... "I mean so much to you, so incredibly much. I can't really wrap my mind around it. Lover, romance me. I want to walk with your hand in mine where ever I go. Where ever I set my foot, I want the atmosphere to know that you are there with me. ....I need you to romance me. I'm still struggling, Papa. But I'm trying. I'm trying to let go. Remind me who I am and who you are. At night and every minute of every day. Whisper it loudly in my ear and sing it over me as I sleep. I need to hear your voice and feel your embrace. It's my only comfort."

No Answers

Slowly, I walk closer, approaching the pond where we usually sit...our pond.  Our special, secret place.  Side by side, I take a seat next to him with my arms wrapped around my knees, "Papa, I don't like this place I'm in.  I'm so sad. All the time, I'm just so sad..." tears burst from my eyes as I hands rush to contain them.  Tenderly, he slips one arm beneath my knees, wrapping the other around my back.  Lifting me into his lap, he tightens his embrace about me and rocking forward and backward, he begins to cry.  Even in our sorrow, we are not alone.  "Papa, I don't know what to do.  Sometimes, it hurts so bad I feel that I could cry for days without notice of the time.  I just...I just...I just don't know.  I'm just hurting.  Papa, oh Papa...Papa.......Papa..."  I love you. ...I always love you.  Baby, you are so special to me.  I could never let you go.  Can I hold you in my arms forever?  I want you here, like this, is my embrace.  I want to see you smile and laugh.  I want you to share your heart with me, raw & vulnerable.  Will you let me love you?  Because...I love you so much.

There Are Days...[Can I Sit Here With You Forever]

There are days, Papa, when I feel my heart will become so heavy that it will simply fall back within my chest, as so many things fall into the mysterious expanse of black holes. Sometimes my eyes feel so heavy that I feel they will no longer be able to bear up against the waves crashing against their inner barriers. And I fear their escape, for once a single tear slips from the brim of my eye lid, a flood of rushing sobs seem to inevitably follow with faint hope of their recapture. Papa, will you come and sit here with me? I could use some company.... Papa, how did I forget about others? How did I become so consumed with only myself and with only my problems, my hurt, and my pain? ....Papa, can I sit in your lap? It's so safe here [sitting in your lap with my arms wrapped around you and yours around me]. I love how you hold me like you mean it. Thank you for holding me like you mean it. Can I sit here forever? I never wanna leave. Yes, baby. Oh Papa...[the sobs are beginning to well up in me again. I can't hold them anymore and so I begin to cry.]. Papa, I missed you. You're such a safe place for me. Papa, I love you. You're so close. Papa, can we sit here, in front of this autumn decorated pond for eternity? Yes, my dear. Papa, I can't seem to stop saying your name...Papa...Papa... Papa, I wish I was more resolute. I wish I wasn't so wish-washy. You heard me calling your name. I hurt her so bad. I broke her. How could I break her? She's means so much to me. I never wanted to break her. [He smiles] She will be ok. Papa, I swear I want the best for her. I promise you I want her to be free and happy. Oh Papa, I still want her so badly. I'm so sorry. That's such a terrible thing to tell you. No, baby. I know and I'm ok. I know how much you hurt and you are so precious to me. I am more concerned with you than who you ache for. I know where your heart really lies and it's right here, in these arms. Tell me your heart, baby. Tell me everything. Every ache, every doubt, every fear that you have. I want to know everything. How are you feeling today? Sometimes, I'm ok but sometimes, I think that I've literally gone mad. Last night, I could hear the enemy so loudly in my ear telling me what a relief it would be to end my life but, Papa, I don't really want to die. I want to sit here with you. I...sometimes, I feel like I can't go on. There are days when I feel like I can't even get out of bed. Why do I ache for her so badly. I didn't ache for her like this before. Because you love her, now. You have learned to appreciate all the beauty I have given her. Because you have begun to taste the love I have for her and separation from the ones you love feels nearly like death. Love her as I do and you would prefer death just so that she could have a way to you, that she might love you in return. Oh sweetheart, your love is reckless but you have no idea how abandoned my love is for you and for her. You have no idea how I love to have you here, sitting on my lap, lying against my chest with my arms wrapped around you. I sob too, because my baby is home again in my arms. You have never seen a more beautiful, marvelous homecoming. I'm calling to her, baby. She wants me desperately. She has not told you and she wouldn't but she still cries out for me. She wants me so badly but fear keeps her from running to me. Pray, baby. Fight for the one that you love so deeply. War for her, harder now, and more deeply...it's coming soon. ....Baby. Yes, Papa? ...I love you. I have always loved you. I am always here. Sometimes, I'm scared that you will leave me too. Sometimes, I hurt so bad that I don't feel that I can love you. Papa, I scared to lose you. Papa, I love you too! I love you too. Don't leave me. Please, don't ever leave me. [My sobs begin again, uncontrollably. He wraps me in his arms with one around my waist and the other cups my head...and he rocks me as I sit there in his lap, lying against his chest] I will never leave you, baby. I will never leave. Cry until your heart's content. ...I love you like no father has never loved a child, like you have never loved another. You are home. This will always be your home. And if you ever decide to leave, I will never cease to pursue you. You are the love of my life, my favorite one.

Someone to Enjoy Me

I'm tired. I feel defeated and broken. I'm tired of fighting for significance. I know I am important. I know I am worthy of love. I know that I am significant enough to fill someone's heart with joy, passion, and a desire to fight to the death for my presence in their their life. I'm worth it. I'm worth the good treatment and respect. I'm worth the blood, the sweat, and the tears. I'm significant, aren't I? Yes, darling, you are beautiful. You are worthy of love. You're important enough to cause someone's heart to skip wildly and long for the moment when they can just run & leap into your arms. You're worth someone's time. You are more than you think. Smarter, wiser, more graceful, beautiful, and tenderhearted. You are so important. But God, I feel like I'm only second best, so often left & forgotten. I feel like I'm the needy annoyance. But Daddy, Papa, Lord, I want to be loved! I want someone to want me. I want so badly for the one's I love to love me! I tired of hurting. Of being left & forgotten. Of being the replaceable one. I want someone, just one, who I deem important to think the world of me. I'm tired, so very clearly tired.

I want to go home. I miss my family. I miss feeling the warmth of the atmosphere that surrounds me when I know I'm with people that love me. One's that I am not a burden to. One's that ache when I ache and laugh when I am filled with joy. I want someone to enjoy me.

Poison & Wine; The Civil Wars

Send Me, Lord. I Beg You, Send Me.

WHEN THE SAINTS

Sara Groves

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know

It’s more than I can handle
But your word is like a fire

Shut up in my bones
and I can’t let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind

It all can overwhelm me
But when I think of all who’ve before and lived the faithful life

Their courage compels me

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the save awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them

Lord, when I think of all those who, before me, have lived the courageous and purposed driven life; as I stop to reflect on the saints who have walked the long and grueling road of a royal child, destined to serve their King, I stand in awe.  A whispered, "Selah" escapes my lips and weakness overtakes my knees, as I fall onto the floor under the weight of your majestic glory.  The spirit of Isaiah creeps into my heart forcing my lips to exasperate his missionary declaration, "Here am I. Send me!"  Still, You do no cease to pour into my mind's eye vision stapled to vision, photographs tied to clips of film, and prayers entangled with desperate cries from every people group and spoken in every tongue.

[Papa] Yes, Beloved.  My answer is always yes. ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.’ (Matt. 7:7)  If you long for an unquenchable desire for the nations, the answer is YES! If you yern to sprint, dive, even fall head first into a deeper, unending journey of intimacy with Me, the answer is YES!  Sweetheart, Beloved, the answer to your longings, passions, humble (sometimes even demanding) desires [requests] is undeniably Yes.  Do not relent in your request of my love.  Do not stop contending for my gift of unexplanitory peace or my almost unbearable joy.  Yes!  What is it that I say in my Word, you know (He says to me winking and I know He intends to tell me that I should know for I should be in His Word much more than I am) in 1 Corinthians 1:20 “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ.  And so through him the ‘Amen’ is spoken by us to the glory of God.”  My answer is always YES and AMEN!  Sweetheart, *laughing* you have no idea of the expanse, the depth, the sheer magnitude of my love for you.  Yes and amen!  I am always awaiting your petitions with yeses and amens. Press into my love, Baby.  There, there is provision.  There, there is abundance.  There, *laughing followed by a sigh* is all I hold in store for you, like a dam on the edge of bursting with a flood of my presence; ready to fill and saturate every corner of your life.  Do not give in!  And do not give up!  Press into me and you will receive.  Press into my love and you will never lack.  Run to my arms with your anger and your painful tears.  [Jesus] There, as you sit on our Father’s knee and lay your head against His chest, listening to the beat of His heart, allow your shoulders to shake violently and your sobs to break free in torrents.  Do not be afraid of baring the scars of war, for I will meet you there.  I’ve already won redemption and our Father’s grace is stronger than sin, ANY sin.  Don’t worry, we’ll show off our battle wounds together, selah, for all of them give glory to our Papa.

[Papa] Focus on Me and Christ’s healing will envelope your heart.  Pursue Me and my love for my people will, like a utter mess of sticky honey, splatter onto the people you encounter.  Always remember that there is more to Me than you have already encountered and there is more of Me for you to receive.  Do not relent.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Isaiah 6:8

Childhood, Return to Me

Why were we so hurried? What drove that compelling urge to flee from infancy and plunge into the chaos of maturity? Fools, we are assuredly fools; to flee from the simplicity of park swings and imaginary friends. To leave behind our mountains of toys and libraries coloring books. Return to me, those endless afternoons of skipping hop-scotch and catching fire flies. Regress with me to those days of recess and nap time, in a world where Mommy and Daddy knew everything and McDonald's was God's manna from heaven. Set me atop my old bicycle seat and I would have been your guide to an adventure that no maturated mind could have fathomed. Place between the chains of any lonely park swing and I could have showed you how to stretch your wings and fly. I stand, now though, as a witness to that which lies beyond the threshold we once dared to venture. Heartbreak and emptiness inevitably accompany age and time. These weary bones testify to the wear and tear of the road less traveled; a road rigged with traps and thieves. Do not fear, though, in those darkest hours, for we are not really fools as long as we keep in our company the Spirit of joy and insatiable peace. Yet still, I long for the days of simplistic childhood. Childhood, return to me for I long to lavish in the warmth of your angel rays.

Classic ORU Things I Have Never Done

1. Gone to 3D (...and called it "church")
2. Climbed the Praying Hands
3. Kissed in front of Claudius (or fought in front of EMR for that matter)
4. Been on an ORU mission trip
5. Participated in Narnia's Halloween party
6. Gotten engaged
7. Been asked (or attended) Homecoming
8. Sledded on a SAGA tray
9. Run the Howard Run

Painful Loneliness

Lord, look at all of these broken people. Woah, was I just talking about them or myself?

Oh God, I'm afraid pain has penetrated my spirit and saturated my heart. Cast iron chains bind my wrists and and enslave me to this empty loneliness. Ouff! Another blow to the chest, a stab wound in my flesh. Nausea builds in my abdomen. I swallow in attempts to squelch my urge to vomit. With tears streaming down my face, I lift my head towards the heavens, "Papa! Where does my help coming from?" Fear builds inside my mind, how long will this hell endure? [Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12] [I have seen his [willful] ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him also and will recompense [repay] him and restore comfort to him and to those who mourn for him. Isaiah 57:18]

Psalm 121

 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;  

indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
 nor the moon by night.

 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
 he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going 

both now and forevermore. 

Now & Forever Betrothed

 The gentle brush of the breeze, the sound of glass as it runs down the fountain walls, and the beauty of the cherry blossoms, they humbly reflect the glory of your character, your love for your creation. In an instant, I am wrecked, consumed by your presence. How could this be? How could life contain such an impossible magnificence? 
 Vulnerably, though, what I must truly inquire is how I have come to find myself so adverse in my worship to those whom I so high esteem? Oh God, you deserve it all, all that I am and ever will be. Sound of my voice calling on your name has come to sicken me, saturated with troubles of my own and not of admiration for your abundant goodness. Gollum, consumed by his wounds, found comfort only in his determination to redeem that which was lost to him. In the darkness, he hid from the world. His inability to relinquish the bitterness and rage stored in his heart shown in the disfigurement of his body, ultimately bringing his life to a lonely end. Oh Lord, I know my ears have become deaf to your voice and my heart hardened to your presence but I beg you! Save this undeserving woman from her life of self mutilation. I humbly beseech you, Lord, save me from myself and the demons I have invited to wrap my limbs in chains. Freedom! You hear me, Enemies? In merciful name of my Father and his son Jesus, I declare freedom! You cannot have me! You cannot hold me! Etched in blood and ink on my heart reads the name of Jesus. You can taunt me no longer with lies of unworthiness of love and purpose. You may have strayed my focus for a moment but you cannot have my future or my heart. Even still, they lie in the hands of my Father. I do not understand how and I cannot understand why but I know only fools deny His love and I, once called friends, am not a fool. The Lord will redeem the hearts and lives of His children, his daughter who is now and forever betrothed to her Father.


"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
-Everything; Lifehouse

The Love of a Savior

I wonder how it looked, the expression on each girl's face.  Devastation, betrayal, hopes deferred reflecting in the glassy reflection of their eyes.  I know I could not stand the sight.  My heart aches for them, these girls I never knew.  Compelled by love.  Called to compassion.  Mend the broken hearted, bring healing to the wounded, guidance for the lost, hope to the hopeless, and love to the loveless...are these not our calling, our reason for being, second only to our offering of love for the Almighty God?  Oh Lord, how we have failed you.  In our own brokenness, we rob, steal, and destroy one another and so often in your name.  Lord, I cannot bare the thought, the weight of their brokenness.  We cry out for your mercy.  Pour your love on this place.  Bring healing to our hearts and fill us with the love of our Savior.